Does 'stuff' stop anybody else from doing other stuff?

and why is my dog acting like a dolphin?

I’m really struggling to make the time to sit down and actually write. I mean write anything including this blog. I don’t know if I have been avoiding doing it and always seem to find other non-important things that need to be sorted out first before I can begin writing. The problem is that my life and home is full of ‘non-important things’ that seem to take on huge importance when it suits me, basically to avoid doing other things like my tax or more importantly like my writing.

Over the last few weeks and since coming back home, I have put all my focus entirely on decluttering, sorting and cleaning the house. I have no idea where this motivation to do this has come from. I have literally been methodically taking things to the dump, the charity shops and giving things away to friends and family usually after they have made a comment like - ‘that’s nice’ - chances are they didn’t leave the house without it being safely tucked under their arms with a ‘No Return’ policy attached to it!

I hope I’m not making it sound like my house is really messy and dirty. It just feels that there is far too much stuff around the place. Maybe it’s one of the problems I’m having at the moment - maybe stuff is blocking my creative energy??? However, I really do feel that something is shifting inside of me though and I don’t mean the regular movements we all naturally make throughout the day!!

I look at things and just say to myself, I don’t need this and out it goes. I have never been so ruthless and I have to say that it feels great. The more I get rid of ‘stuff’ the better I feel and after these last few weeks, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that things will eventually all be sorted and organised in the house and then I won’t have any more excuses stopping me from writing.

Really though, who am I trying to kid? There is still more ‘stuff’. Like clearing out my hundreds and hundreds of emails, my thousand photos and let’s not forget about the forgotten ‘stuff’ in the attic that hasn’t seen the light of day for years covered in dust and cobwebs and more ‘stuff.’ After that there is the ’stuff’ in the garden, the shed, under the decking, down the side of the house. I just wonder once I clear every corner of the house of ‘stuff’ would I simply start all over again or become fixated with then doing other ‘stuff’ like cleaning for instance, maybe redecorating, redoing the garden. I may have gotten rid of all the ‘stuff’ but there will still be loads of ‘stuff’ to do.

I think the problem is that I have far too much time on my hands. I’m not currently working and I love and hate it at the same time. I find my life almost without meaning or purpose and structure. Maybe I’m feeling the need to be busy and finding stuff to do relating to ‘stuff’ makes me feel that I have a purpose to my day, being useful, doing something. Yet this is a huge problem for me which I need to figure out. The whole point of having this midlife crisis, life break/menopausal thing was to reinvent myself as a writer of some sorts, follow that creative dream that has been festering inside of me, change my life, write that perfect book, the perfect film script yet surely if I was so desperate to write, I would ignore everything around me and I would just write?

Maybe it’s the lack of discipline? Or that I’m just too good at procrastinating? Is it because I don’t believe in myself, even calling myself a writer sounds so fraudulent. Is it maybe as I grow older I feel less able or maybe less confident in my own capabilities? Maybe I’m just lazy? Maybe…. maybe…maybe.. I always seem to come up with excuses. Maybe that is it, I come up with all sorts of excuses. Maybe there are just too many maybes and stuff is not the problem.

I just need to find a way to stop finding ‘stuff’ to do, stop making those excuses and using the word ‘maybe’ and try and figure out why I am making these excuses. There really is nothing left for it but to start believing in myself and just get my finger out and do it. I guess I started this Blog in Kenya seven months ago and I have more or less kept it going, so, that’s good. I started my film script in Bucharest and I’m desperate to carry on with it, giving myself till the end of the year to finish it. To be honest I haven’t written a word since I got back home.

I think I found it so much easier writing away from the house and I guess going away I needed to kick start that process. It worked but was not really sustainable. Being at home, there are just far too many distractions. I cannot focus, I cannot just shut that door and keep the rest of the house out. I can’t put on horse blinkers and just look straight at the screen. For a start I’m not a horse which I’m rather pleased about!

So I do actually have a bit of a plan that I have already started to put in place which I will write about when it happens which hopefully should be in the next few weeks but I don’t want to jinx things just yet. When I had the idea, it just kind of made sense and I was surprised that I hadn’t thought about it before. It is probably a bit extreme but it will be my way of putting the horse blinkers on, sort of.

In the meantime, I have to say that in all my recent decluttering I have managed to gather 5 boxes full of ‘stuff’ I don’t need ready to sell on a vintage stall next week. (Cheeky Plug - Saturday 20th September at the Rookery Farmer’s Market, SW16) If you happen to be in the area please come. You might find something you really need or want that you never even knew that you needed or wanted. You would also be helping a really good cause, supporting an unemployed, impoverished, prosecco addicted person pretending to be a writer.

Just wanted to add that the photos in the post have nothing to do with this piece. They are from a recent trip to St Leonards on Sea. (sod it, I will say it, celebrating my Birthday) I had an amazing time spending it with family and friends and of course Sparky our dog who went swimming for the first time in the sea. He showed no fear as he just dived right in and went for it and absolutely loved every single second, I think he thought he was a dolphin.

His excitement was contagious and it just made us all feel so happy watching him enjoying himself so much and loving being in the water. Obviously I know he isn’t a dolphin (like I know I’m not a horse) but for that short time, he was our Dolphindog and managed to lift our spirits.

Apart from the healing benefits of swimming with dolphins they symbolise joy and playfulness, freedom, intelligence, creativity, inspiration, intuition, transformation, growth and communication. Which I had no idea about.

So there you have it. There is a reason why our dog was pretending to be a dolphin, he knew exactly what I needed at that moment, maybe I should be like him, dive right in and believe that I’m a writer. Sod the rest of the ‘stuff.’ Lets all be dolphins!!!

Thank you for reading this.

P.S. I asked my lovely niece Klara to design a picture of a dolphin for me. At the age of 14 she is already a brilliant digital artist. Please check out her Instagram @_klararose09_